I told myself, once I move back, get a job, get a steady income, have a nice clean kitchen, and a grocery store nearby, I will totally get back on my meal plan.
All those things are in place, and I'm still only eating maybe 2/3 of my meal plan every day.
It'd be nice if I could just throw up my hands and say "I don't know what's wrong with me! Why, oh, why am I doing this? Why is it so hard to tackle recovery head-on?"
Thing is, though, I do know why. I don't feel safe right now. I'm flying out to San Francisco next weekend for a conference. I'm negotiating an overwhelming crush on someone. I'm negotiating a friendship with my ex. I'm back on the hamster wheel of work, dinner with friends, fundraisers, life in the city, and it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere, so now I'm concerned about, y'know, My Future.
Being eating-disordered makes me feel safe. It's comforting, and familiar. So I guess I'm waiting until I don't need it to feel that way. G-d knows when that will be, or how it will come.
Or, I'm waiting for the realization that anorexia is the opposite of being safe. That I'm clinging to the side of a cliff, which feels safe, until I see the drop below and the nice, solid ledge above.
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- Colin
- Hi. My name isn't really Colin, but it might be soon. I'm 23. I like to walk a lot, and I also like to not-eat (which is different from not liking to eat). I'm vaguely in recovery from an eating disorder. Oh, and I'm a queer-identified female-to-male transsexual. Which, I guess, makes me a peripatetic tranoretic. Or manoretic. Take your pick.
2 comments:
you sound so contradictory, and yet i know exactly what you mean. you're obviously an extremely smart person and know full well that anorexia is the opposite of safety. still, when you put rational thought up against mental illness, guess what wins...
you'll figure it out soon, i believe (and hope). it's good that you're acknowledging the pros of your ED. they do serve a purpose in our lives and unless one pinpoints what the purpose is, it's hard to move on. for you, it's safety. same for me, i think. for me, it was a crutch for a lack of an ability to cope with stress and uncertainty and anger.
SO many feelings and constant waiting for answers I know how that feels. I'm wishing you a peaceful weekend and a wonderful time in SF, it is beautiful here right now and such an amazing place to have some what sounds like much needed "you" time. To get lost in the croud feels good sometimes! Too simply just *BE*!
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